Realysis

2003-03-02T13:33:00.000-08:00

Letting go...is for the sake of forgetting pain...that's it...there is no other motivation that i can think of....for letting go...and i will loose the sadness...and sometimes the happiness too...

2003-03-02T13:31:00.000-08:00

I just realized that...

Sometimes the moment when I think I am rising above my fears....above all the shyat...the moment when I truly feel empowered...is merely a moment when I am embracing denial...harvesting repression...and solidifying the notion that I think I am not worth shyat...

I need to stay on watch...

2003-02-28T21:23:00.000-08:00

the moment that we swallow
is a moment where we don't breathe
why was i holding my breath when she swallowed?
like the movement of her adam's apple rising and fallingg was a joint effort
i have no words for her in yoruba
but i want her to make it through these moments that i stare at her
wondering why my life just began now
with her being so close to her end
holding her hand
soft like melted chocolate
knowing that no matter how hard i held it
tight enough to make my presence known
i would still have to let go
a forced smile
heart pounding like drums
in a circle
on the discovery channel
chanting songs of african
yes
of this yoruba woman
no
of my american location
no glory to the red, white, and blue
just sadness for years of trying to forget
so i would never have to refer to a memory of red eyes
my shirt soaked
my hands glisteing
with everything I could not say but felt for that night
and that night
that night when i saw that everything everyone else needed
i needed too
i knew that when i looked in her eyes
and saw who i never knew that i was
saw that she is who i was coming to
and i was who she was leaving
(2/23/03)

2003-02-28T20:54:00.000-08:00

I don't know what's right
Because I never tried what was wrong
Thought you were the one being impatient
But it was me all along
So I am sitting here
My heart beating
Amplified a thousand times
It's heavy
Hard to breathe
One day I'll learn to cry

I'm wishing that I heard you speak
When you looked into my eyes
But I guess my heart was weak
And the hurt has made it blind...
(2/17/03)

2003-02-28T20:48:00.000-08:00

The day before my life changed (again)
there was a cloud in my head
I knew something was stirring
but I could not see it
Darkness swallowed light
and my stomach sunk...
(2/10/03)

2003-02-27T16:04:00.000-08:00

life is past, present, and future.
but it is also merely past and present.
(4/10/02)

2003-02-27T16:02:00.000-08:00

It is not right for an artist to protect their emotions from the world.
That is why they are called to be an artist.
(4/5/02)

2003-02-22T10:11:00.000-08:00

You have to NOT WANT in order NOT TO CARE...

2003-02-19T21:12:00.000-08:00

Love what you give more than what you recieve...

2003-02-19T21:11:00.000-08:00

I am not saying DO NOT BE AFRAID.
Be afraid.
Everyone is afraid.
Scared shyatless in fact.
I am simply saying.
DON'T LET FEAR STOP YOU.

2003-02-17T17:30:00.000-08:00

The Artist Date that was Myopic

It all makes sense really
sound
picked up by the apparatus that is our ears
vibration, pitch, tone
like pulse, smooth, soft, and quick
there is an urge to simulate
riding the waves as they bounce of the space heater
there is an urge to ascend to the gods you are blowing
and then sink on the downbeat
there is beauty in all those things that are rough and scratch at the most sensitive parts of the self
myself
yourself
himself
and nonsense
it can be really, really, good
even when your legs are closed
and your chest has reached the highs of the note you never thought that golden piece of metal
could make
out
can we
make out what instigates the quickening of my pacemaker
the moistening
and leg shaker
he is beautiful too
and i want that to be enough
but it is not
yet
maybe tomorrow we will bury the cat
(2/11/03)

2003-02-17T17:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we have to believe people are, who they say they are, even if they might be lying...
(2/5/03)

2003-02-17T17:26:00.000-08:00

Sometimes words are the only action we can afford to take...
(2/5/03)

2003-02-17T17:23:00.000-08:00

you are ready to take on the world...really...
(2/13/03)

2003-02-17T17:22:00.000-08:00

it's interesting the turn of events
makes me wonder where the road began
makes me wonder where and if it will end
makes me wonder what their is to virtue
makes me wonder why i tried so desperately not to hurt you
but what about me
what about me?
what about me?
(2/11/03)

2003-02-17T17:20:00.000-08:00

friendship is about how you communicate, not who does what for whom...
(10/14/02)

2003-02-11T07:02:00.000-08:00

Who we are is circumstantial...period.

2003-02-05T22:46:00.000-08:00

We have had several 30 second conversations with our eyes. Only
blinking to accentuate assertiveness. There is nothing comforting about
the shifts in the pupils. It only conjures more questions. The
moisture that you feel in the air just before a drizzle, a shower, and
storm. You never know unless you listen to the forecast. And who ever
is one hundred percent certain of the prediction? Who ever is one
hundred percent certain of the stare and the swallow. Good News? Bad
News?

" What are you thinking?" The words that I tried so desperately to
abort from my mouth, from my intention, had been given life. And it
wouldn't matter whether I was the deliverer or the receiver, both
positions being equally dreadful, because when you ask that question,
you never get the answer you want. Why bother? Because you have to.
Because the fear is worst than the analysis of the response which is
nothing more than an attempt to throw you off the path of the scent.
The direction. And when you are asked that question....no matter how
much time you spend....30 seconds one minute too long...you can never
say the right thing...which is what you are really thinking, and
everything else is just wrong. But you try and find something right in
that. Again to throw the other of the path of the scent. The direction.

Think fast....
(1/2/03)

2003-02-02T18:56:00.000-08:00

He came
he came
like a thunderstorm
and shook things up
my life
my heart
my trust
my weekends were spent wandering
searching for what he would never find
and only i knew that
even though i was by his side
and then he was gone
(9/9/02)

2002-12-23T18:34:00.000-08:00

its kind of interesting
this idea of looking younger
smooth and supple skin
almost as if the body isn't used
but if you are 45 you are used (11/20/02)

to be continued

2002-12-23T18:17:00.000-08:00

I still have the taste of you on my lips and that would be enough
Save the fact that I am still hungry.
My tongue is pulsating
But it is not my heart
It is the sucking (12/19/02)
;)

2002-12-23T18:10:00.000-08:00

manipulation runs through the blood of man and i taste it stronger now more than ever (12/19/02)

2002-11-20T14:40:00.000-08:00

I slowed down my breaths so that I could feel you better
tune my instrument
into yours
into yours
and we quaked before
and
after the shock
and even after you left
my shock
your absence
brought the curtain down
and with eyes closed i could see
me fast and you forward into
the sweet chaos of the spasm
that was your muscle
then became mine

to be continued...

2002-11-19T15:28:00.000-08:00

In the A.M.

How many times can a person hit snooze in one hour? I don't know, I think I may have hit it six times and the turned off the alarm, accidentally so I am not sure that I counted right. Probably because I freaked out when I woke up 15 minutes after I was supposed to be somewhere. It takes me 15 minutes to get there. And I hadn't showered, brushed my teeth, or eaten, and my hair is not the kind of hair that you can just get up and go with. Not unless you plan on going to sit on the corner. Grunged in a shirt and jacked and covered in thick heavy. I wonder how many double takes I would get if I stepped out of my BMW in holey sweats and this matted mat which would be defined as hair, in terms of biology. Hat, in terms of what you can see to blocks away. Pain, in terms of what I feel when I have to formulate something that looks smooth and soft to touch. With an afro-pic and a spray bottle full of water. Beauty, is what I am still trying to sell to the population at large.

They like you just the same...

2002-11-09T13:23:00.000-08:00

This here is my hand
my palm
my finger
my foot
my toe
my arch
I move in ways that you dream of during the day
I fidget and shake
during the day I fidget and shake
I breathe in the air to cover every cell
inside I close my eyes and feel everything
contact on skin
contact my skin
contact my skin